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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “CPS”

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The Arkansas State Trooper left my hospital room.  I know the look on my face had to say it all.  I looked at my mother & apologized for the words I had used.  She understood why I would be so upset.  I mean, hell, I have been sober for a long time!  It was just insulting, but to know I was asked about something I knew wasn’t in that car made me livid.  I knew my friend wasn’t doing that kind of stuff,  & we sure as hell weren’t.  Sounds like a fishing expedition to me. 

I had just got telling my mother I wish I could be given a urine test to prove I’m clean when the next bad vibe came bursting in my hospital room.  In my mind I’m internally thinking what the hell?  More!?  I went to school for social work.  I know a child protective services worker when I see one.  Again, internal monolog kicks in, what fuck are they doing here!?  Poker face on, daddy raised a soldier.  I got asked about the meth again.  At this point I asked if I could please take a piss test.  I looked at my mom and said this is the only to make this proof worthy so this stops now!  They gave me my urine cup, & due to the iv fluids my bladder was full!  I filled that freaking cup up!  I slammed it on my table while holding onto my iv rigging that I had to roll everywhere.  He responds we will see in a few moments what you’re on in a snarky way, like he knew I was guilty.  Let me tell you, nothing better than knowing it isn’t going to pop for anything so you smerk your smile all the way through the wait.  Can you imagine the disappointment when it came back negative?  I give a chuckle and said get out of my room!  He snips back at me with a I’ll be back.  I respond, “I’m sure you will. ”

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All I can say is wow at that point.  Does the picture above look like a family that lives that kind of lifestyle?  The nerve of those people.  I’m wondering where is all this meth talk coming from.  I begin discussing it with my mother, & she can’t figure it out either. 

To this day we have never figured out why the questions of meth was involved with this ordeal.  I can tell you it felt good to be able to say I’m sober and prove it! 

More questions remained in my mind.  As time ticked on I began to get more questions in my mind, & what I didn’t realize was so did my parents & my hubby’s mom. 

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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Troopers, Doctors, & Craziness O My!”

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As I lay in the hospital bed staring at my mother letting the tears just roll down my cheek all I could wonder was why was my husband in jail? As any wife would, I went through my head just trying to find something that we had done that was so wrong. What had we done that was such a bad thing that resulted in him being in jail? Nothing came to mind because we have been living the right life. I still could not find my phone, but my mom did hand me my purse. Later on in this series you’ll find out the importance of me getting my purse in my hospital bed and where my phone was at.  I remember at some point while in and out of consciousness on opiates I was frantically searching for my phone and could not find it. 

I didn’t have much time with my mom alone before the Arkansas State Trooper walked in my hospital room.  No one likes to see a big brimmed hat of an Arkansas State Trooper walk in, but when it’s a female state trooper and you’re a female in the hospital bed you know you’re in deep doo-doo.  With my straight poker face on I was still racking my brain for what we had done that was illegal, and still nothing came up.  Cringing in pain the state troopers started asking me many many questions.

The first thing I get questioned about is the meth and needles found in the car. Now I want you to know something, my mother was in the room as I’m getting questioned and she’s a Christian woman.  The words I said in front of my Mama were very un-Christian like, but opiates kind of make you really blunt.  I told that state trooper that was false and I knew it was false! That there was no fucking way they found needles and meth in the car! I remember I just kept yelling fuck no I know there was nothing in there.  I even started demanding a urinalysis test right then and there! I looked directly at my mom and said give me that damn piss test! I know I’m clean!

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My mom knew I was serious because of my repeated use of the forbidden F WORD!  Never had I spoke like that in front of my mother. Not to mention, I could feel my right eyebrow raising which meant she knew I was beyond pissed.  All I can say is thank goodness I was in so much pain I couldn’t move because I was livid!

I then start getting questioned about other items in our car by the Arkansas State Trooper.  I keep telling this dumb broad that it wasn’t our car!  It was my friend’s vehicle which belonged to his mother.  The trooper explains to me that she found a marijuana pipe and an empty pill bottle in the back of the car.  I calmly explain back to this dumb trooper that the woman’s car we were driving had stage 4 brain cancer so it was probably her’s.  The only answer I can give this Trooper is I don’t know. 

Finally the trooper exited my room. Never have I been so insulted! I had just mourned the loss of my family, and she had no regard for my emotions and no sympathy.  I’m all jacked up on all kinds of opiates, and you’re asking me some crazy questions about a car crash that I was asleep in when it happened!  Is this how you treat all your victims was what I was thinking. 

So one would think things couldn’t possibly get worse right? Oh how wrong you are…

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “I Awaken From My Bad Dream”

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I cried myself to sleep that night. All I wanted was my mother.  When I woke up that morning I thought it was all a bad dream. You know the kind you have when you wake up in a sweat in your own bed, but you’re at home and it was nothing more than a bad dream. 

When I opened my eyes I saw the sweetest thing in the world. It was what I have been wanting, it was my mama.  I started to cry, but it hurt too bad to cry in my chest and my shoulder. All I could do was lay there & simply look at my mom and just let the tears roll down my cheeks.  I still had no clue if my family was dead or alive. All I know is there was a car wreck and it wasn’t a nightmare. The comfort of having your mother there is the sweetest feeling in the world. I know I’m a hard-ass, but even a hard-ass needs their mother.

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My mother then uttered the best words I’ve ever heard in my life! I wasn’t the only Survivor! My husband and my daughter are both alive!

My mom explained that my daughter was two floors below me in the children’s unit and was perfectly fine. Oh! My heart was so relieved. My angel, my sweet perfect angel, was alive and I wasn’t the only survivor. I don’t know if I could have lived without my daughter! Half of the weight was lifted off my shoulders at that point. The question remained, what about my husband?

My mom then tells me that my husband is sitting in the Baxter County Jail in Arkansas. I know most people would be upset knowing their husband was in jail, but the relief knowing he was just still alive was enough. I was actually happy he was in jail. Now the question remained, what the heck is going on? Why is he in jail? What the hell happened while I was asleep? I I fell asleep in a car, woke up in the hospital, and now my husband’s in jail? 

Could this possibly get any worse? The answer is yes!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Everyone Died”

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When I woke up in the hospital room I was in so much pain.  The pain made my
c-section & breast augmentation felt nothing in comparison to the searing pain running through my left shoulder.  I’m looking around.  I’m no dumbass, so I automatically see that I’m in a hospital bed. 

I’m running through my mind as to what the heck was going on.  Desperately racking every corner of my mind for a clue to what the freak was going on!  I’m not able to move because of the pain & tubes running everywhere.  I’m beginning to wonder about my family.  Where’s my baby? Where’s my boo? Where’s my mom & dad? 

A walks nurses to my room.  I’m desprately asking what the heck was going on.  I was told I was in a car crash.  They then handed me a mirror to see this…

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I realize the burning on my neck was the skin I was missing.  I’m still really curious as to why my shoulder hurts, where’s my daughter, & where’s my hubby? 

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I felt so alone.  All I was told was there was a car crash.  They never answered my questions about my family.  I mean, I don’t remember them being with me nor do I remember a crash, but I would have never not been with them or them not with me!  It was that very moment my heart sank.  I could feel my soul break in half.  I was the only survivor!  I had just lost my best friend & love, my dear husband.  I had lost my baby angel, my pride, my joy, my angelic daughter. 

I grieved for what seemed like forever.  I know not the time or how long that clock ticked, but I mourned long enough to think about what I was going to go through. 

My heart hurt, & I just wanted my mommy.  They had no clue to where I was.  I had lost my cell phone in the may lay.  I could only lay there a cry my eyes out while being screwed up beyond comprehension on opiates.  The one time opiates were my best friend.  Too bad all the morphine, percocets, & dalaudid never began to help the pain in my left shoulder! 

At some point I cried myself back to sleep. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Hall of Memories”

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I remember grabbing my beautiful daughters hand. After grabbing my daughter’s hand, I passed out into unconsciousness. What I’m about to tell you I saw I cannot tell you for sure if it was a dream or something of a higher power.

Somewhere between the ride the ambulance & being put in the ICU, I had a dream.  I’m not going to sit here and say I saw my body and I was above it. Nor did I ever have any visions of my loved ones around me or anything of that nature. 

I was in this very long corridor. The corridor was not creepy or uncomfortable. The corridor was filled with happiness, compassion, and unconditional love.  Some of the psychological community would say that it was my consciousness coming through in my dreams. Some of the faith-based world would say I had a near-death experience. I don’t know what I saw. All I know is I can explain what I saw.

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I was walking down this corridor and all around me were hologram like videos of happy moments in my life.  My wedding, the birth of my daughter, moments with my mother and my father, laughter between my loving husband and I, and all the silly moments between my daughter and I we’re playing all around me as I walk down this beautiful corridor.

The corridor begins to slowly fade into a mist.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and I keep just moving forward to it. I knew I needed to keep walking because I could slowly see someone coming in the distance.   As I walked towards this beautiful light I take in the beauty which is around me. The beauty I see is nothing in comparison to anything I’ve seen here on Earth. The feeling of being in this majestical place gave me such peace.  I see a face on the person coming to me in the distance.

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It’s my bub, Jason Wakeford!  I’m so excited! I waited so long just to see him & talk to him. Since his death, it has felt like half of me was ripped away.  I ran to him because all I want to do is give him the big bear hug I was always used to in the past.

He stops me and says come no further.  I am crying saying I just want my bub bear hug!  He tells me to come no further, for to hug him would mean for me to leave behind a life I was not through with yet.  He speaks of my daughter & my husband, whom was his best friend.  He told me they needed me.  I didn’t understand, but I knew he was always right so I did as I was told. 

I then came to in the hospital room.  Trust me when I say, “I came back to what?”  I awoke not remembering anything!  All I knew is my left shoulder was toast!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Awaken To My Worst Nightmare!”

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I never sleep in the car.  Whether it’s my control issues we all know I have or my fear of something happening while asleep, but I have never fallen asleep in the car with my husband driving in the 13 years we have been married!  This is the one time I fell asleep, but it was late! 

I had not been asleep long when the inevitable happened.  My husband had crashed the car, but I will not find out till later as to what happened. 

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Since I was asleep I have no clue to what happened.  During the crash, I for the first time ever, got knocked out.  I want you to note here I have taken some blows to my head, but never once knocked out! 

I was not told this till later, but when my husband pulled all of us out of the car he layed me beside my best friend.  My best friend said that he was sure I was dead because my eyes were as big as quarters and not blinking. 

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I remember coming to on the side of the road.  My first initial thought was where is my daughter.  My best friend was to my right moaning in agony from broke ribs, a punctured lung, & broke back.  To my left was my daughter & she could talk to me so I knew she was at least semi-ok. 

The only humor here is: during the EMTs cutting off my clothes I was so out of it & could barely hear, that I fought them.  I wasn’t about to let them cut off my Victoria’s Secret bra I had gotten a week before!  I paid $80 for that brand new bra!  My $300 Guess Jeans!  Hell no! Then I’m back out in blackness.  I awoke to being naked on the side of highway 62 in Arkansas.  Loading into the ambulance I looked for my daughter & beside me she was, so I grabbed her hand.  Her hand so soft & angelic!  Comfort!  My baby! 

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I was aware of all that was happening or so I thought.  I fell asleep in the ambulance. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “A Series of Unfortunate Events”

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As we head down the road with one headlight, somehow we got turned around. Please, let’s not forget we are flatlanders not hillbillies. We head the wrong way going back to where we just came from. It was very dark outside because there’s no lights in the hills & woods. We had 1 headlight trying to navigate these winding hill infested roads.

My husband looked down to his phone to pull up yahoo maps, & swerved across the double yellow lines in a small town we were passing through. Of course, here comes the lights and sirens. The officer pulls us over asking for all our identification. As we hand him all the id’s; he then pulls my husband out of the car for a sobriety check. A sobriety check was to be suspected seeing as he crossed a double yellow. After passing the follow the light game, the stand & count game, & 2 breathalyzers later he was deemed completely sober. My husband then preceeds to ask the officer how to get back to the bootheel of Missouri. He let’s us know we were heading the wrong way, & tells us which way to go. So again the four of us push onward to our journey home with 1 headlight on a Chevy Malibu.

Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep in the car unbuckled. I never can sleep in the car for fear of a wreck while I am asleep. I will also confess a small part of that is a biproduct of me being so controlling about making sure I’m awake to yell at the driver if I get my butt hole puckered.

MEMOIR: THE UNIVERSE ANSWERED ME BACK

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This afternoon we had 2 waves of storms roll through.  Both storms had major lightening & beautiful rolling thunder.  The plains of the Missouri Mississippi River Delta creates thunder like I’ve heard nowhere else in my travels.  It seems to come and go and roll on and on in a rumble.  I love the kinds of storms with less severe weather, but lots of lightening. 

As the next wave of storms started to roll through.  I took the few minutes before it got bad to do yoga on my wooden front porch.  I let the wind blow into my face by positioning my body so it went directly into my body letting it embrace me and wisp my face.  I did a few easy poses.  I think I did tree, warrior, superhero, sun salutation, and so on.  It was amazing. 

I see lightening starting to flash while I’m in thanks, though my eyes are closed in meditation while standing.  As I say thank you, I got the most beautiful thunder boom.  It was as if the universe had said you’re welcome for the peace you just recieved. 

Honestly I was at peace.  I suffer from chronic anxiety.  Fitness helps instead of medicine for the anxiety, but meditation is where it’s at.  To me thunder is incredibly relaxing.  I want to sleep or meditate when I hear it.  This was a moment this evening I wanted to share with you all. 

Take a moment to soak in the small amazing things we often overlook. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Flashbacks Down Memory Lane”

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I opened my eyes around noon that Sunday morning.  While most people are busy getting ready for church, I was talking on the phone to my best friend disgussing when to leave in order to have my daughter back in time for bed.  I remember going out onto my front porch, looking at the sky, thinking of how beautiful it was.  The sky was crystal clear & blue, like our senior year when 9/11 happened! When most things are to perfect, they usually are. 

We leave at noon, which was entirely to late, but his son wanted my daughter to go too.  Feeling bad that he had to leave, I pushed back my motherly feelings & said ok.  Sometimes those instincts need to have more attention paid to them, I now think they are little moments in life our spirit guides try to give us a warning. 

The drive was beautiful.  As we drive through the town my best friend and myself had grown up in so many years ago, we spoke of all the fun we had.  We told my loving husband all our shinanigans as we passed each place, it was super nice reliving memories from 16 years past.   We head out across Crowley’s Ridge, & as we top the last hill you can see for miles.  More memories flooding our brains of happy memories.  It was as if we were watching our life flash before our eyes together. 

We head towards our destination, little did we know what devestation lay ahead for my family.

-I’M SORRY FOR THE SLOW POSTS.  EVERYTIME I WRITE IT’S HARD BECAUSE MY FIRST SERIES (THIS STORY) IS FRESH & CHOKES ME UP.  I NEED A BREAK OCCASSIONALLY FROM WRITING IT TO BREATHE-

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