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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Troopers, Doctors, & Craziness O My!”

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As I lay in the hospital bed staring at my mother letting the tears just roll down my cheek all I could wonder was why was my husband in jail? As any wife would, I went through my head just trying to find something that we had done that was so wrong. What had we done that was such a bad thing that resulted in him being in jail? Nothing came to mind because we have been living the right life. I still could not find my phone, but my mom did hand me my purse. Later on in this series you’ll find out the importance of me getting my purse in my hospital bed and where my phone was at.  I remember at some point while in and out of consciousness on opiates I was frantically searching for my phone and could not find it. 

I didn’t have much time with my mom alone before the Arkansas State Trooper walked in my hospital room.  No one likes to see a big brimmed hat of an Arkansas State Trooper walk in, but when it’s a female state trooper and you’re a female in the hospital bed you know you’re in deep doo-doo.  With my straight poker face on I was still racking my brain for what we had done that was illegal, and still nothing came up.  Cringing in pain the state troopers started asking me many many questions.

The first thing I get questioned about is the meth and needles found in the car. Now I want you to know something, my mother was in the room as I’m getting questioned and she’s a Christian woman.  The words I said in front of my Mama were very un-Christian like, but opiates kind of make you really blunt.  I told that state trooper that was false and I knew it was false! That there was no fucking way they found needles and meth in the car! I remember I just kept yelling fuck no I know there was nothing in there.  I even started demanding a urinalysis test right then and there! I looked directly at my mom and said give me that damn piss test! I know I’m clean!

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My mom knew I was serious because of my repeated use of the forbidden F WORD!  Never had I spoke like that in front of my mother. Not to mention, I could feel my right eyebrow raising which meant she knew I was beyond pissed.  All I can say is thank goodness I was in so much pain I couldn’t move because I was livid!

I then start getting questioned about other items in our car by the Arkansas State Trooper.  I keep telling this dumb broad that it wasn’t our car!  It was my friend’s vehicle which belonged to his mother.  The trooper explains to me that she found a marijuana pipe and an empty pill bottle in the back of the car.  I calmly explain back to this dumb trooper that the woman’s car we were driving had stage 4 brain cancer so it was probably her’s.  The only answer I can give this Trooper is I don’t know. 

Finally the trooper exited my room. Never have I been so insulted! I had just mourned the loss of my family, and she had no regard for my emotions and no sympathy.  I’m all jacked up on all kinds of opiates, and you’re asking me some crazy questions about a car crash that I was asleep in when it happened!  Is this how you treat all your victims was what I was thinking. 

So one would think things couldn’t possibly get worse right? Oh how wrong you are…

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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Everyone Died”

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When I woke up in the hospital room I was in so much pain.  The pain made my
c-section & breast augmentation felt nothing in comparison to the searing pain running through my left shoulder.  I’m looking around.  I’m no dumbass, so I automatically see that I’m in a hospital bed. 

I’m running through my mind as to what the heck was going on.  Desperately racking every corner of my mind for a clue to what the freak was going on!  I’m not able to move because of the pain & tubes running everywhere.  I’m beginning to wonder about my family.  Where’s my baby? Where’s my boo? Where’s my mom & dad? 

A walks nurses to my room.  I’m desprately asking what the heck was going on.  I was told I was in a car crash.  They then handed me a mirror to see this…

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I realize the burning on my neck was the skin I was missing.  I’m still really curious as to why my shoulder hurts, where’s my daughter, & where’s my hubby? 

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I felt so alone.  All I was told was there was a car crash.  They never answered my questions about my family.  I mean, I don’t remember them being with me nor do I remember a crash, but I would have never not been with them or them not with me!  It was that very moment my heart sank.  I could feel my soul break in half.  I was the only survivor!  I had just lost my best friend & love, my dear husband.  I had lost my baby angel, my pride, my joy, my angelic daughter. 

I grieved for what seemed like forever.  I know not the time or how long that clock ticked, but I mourned long enough to think about what I was going to go through. 

My heart hurt, & I just wanted my mommy.  They had no clue to where I was.  I had lost my cell phone in the may lay.  I could only lay there a cry my eyes out while being screwed up beyond comprehension on opiates.  The one time opiates were my best friend.  Too bad all the morphine, percocets, & dalaudid never began to help the pain in my left shoulder! 

At some point I cried myself back to sleep. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Hall of Memories”

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I remember grabbing my beautiful daughters hand. After grabbing my daughter’s hand, I passed out into unconsciousness. What I’m about to tell you I saw I cannot tell you for sure if it was a dream or something of a higher power.

Somewhere between the ride the ambulance & being put in the ICU, I had a dream.  I’m not going to sit here and say I saw my body and I was above it. Nor did I ever have any visions of my loved ones around me or anything of that nature. 

I was in this very long corridor. The corridor was not creepy or uncomfortable. The corridor was filled with happiness, compassion, and unconditional love.  Some of the psychological community would say that it was my consciousness coming through in my dreams. Some of the faith-based world would say I had a near-death experience. I don’t know what I saw. All I know is I can explain what I saw.

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I was walking down this corridor and all around me were hologram like videos of happy moments in my life.  My wedding, the birth of my daughter, moments with my mother and my father, laughter between my loving husband and I, and all the silly moments between my daughter and I we’re playing all around me as I walk down this beautiful corridor.

The corridor begins to slowly fade into a mist.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and I keep just moving forward to it. I knew I needed to keep walking because I could slowly see someone coming in the distance.   As I walked towards this beautiful light I take in the beauty which is around me. The beauty I see is nothing in comparison to anything I’ve seen here on Earth. The feeling of being in this majestical place gave me such peace.  I see a face on the person coming to me in the distance.

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It’s my bub, Jason Wakeford!  I’m so excited! I waited so long just to see him & talk to him. Since his death, it has felt like half of me was ripped away.  I ran to him because all I want to do is give him the big bear hug I was always used to in the past.

He stops me and says come no further.  I am crying saying I just want my bub bear hug!  He tells me to come no further, for to hug him would mean for me to leave behind a life I was not through with yet.  He speaks of my daughter & my husband, whom was his best friend.  He told me they needed me.  I didn’t understand, but I knew he was always right so I did as I was told. 

I then came to in the hospital room.  Trust me when I say, “I came back to what?”  I awoke not remembering anything!  All I knew is my left shoulder was toast!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “A Series of Unfortunate Events”

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As we head down the road with one headlight, somehow we got turned around. Please, let’s not forget we are flatlanders not hillbillies. We head the wrong way going back to where we just came from. It was very dark outside because there’s no lights in the hills & woods. We had 1 headlight trying to navigate these winding hill infested roads.

My husband looked down to his phone to pull up yahoo maps, & swerved across the double yellow lines in a small town we were passing through. Of course, here comes the lights and sirens. The officer pulls us over asking for all our identification. As we hand him all the id’s; he then pulls my husband out of the car for a sobriety check. A sobriety check was to be suspected seeing as he crossed a double yellow. After passing the follow the light game, the stand & count game, & 2 breathalyzers later he was deemed completely sober. My husband then preceeds to ask the officer how to get back to the bootheel of Missouri. He let’s us know we were heading the wrong way, & tells us which way to go. So again the four of us push onward to our journey home with 1 headlight on a Chevy Malibu.

Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep in the car unbuckled. I never can sleep in the car for fear of a wreck while I am asleep. I will also confess a small part of that is a biproduct of me being so controlling about making sure I’m awake to yell at the driver if I get my butt hole puckered.

MY OPINIONS: How I Deal With Haters

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The internet these days makes cyberbullying entirely too easy. Not only do young pre-teens do it, but I’ve seen grown adults act much worse than young children. Anyone with any sort of attention will always have a hater. Someone will hate on you for what you’re wearing. Someone will tell you are too fat, and in the same breath also tell someone they’re too skinny. In today’s society perfection is what everyone is after after, and much too often perfection is unrealistic.

I’ve had my fair share of cyber cyberbullying. I’ve had people simply want to be my friend on Facebook to troll and see what’s going on in my life. In my opinion, if they’re checking up on you so much at least that means you’re relevant.

I’ve had friends say I’ve changed maybe they’re unhappy they didn’t change. Maybe the haters are just simply disappointed in themselves because they stayed the same. I did change, just like anyone with ambition would. Anyone with ambition would never want to stay the same! I’ve changed everything about me. I have no desire to conform to anyone else’s wishes, & absolutely no desire to fit in. But I do have every desire within myself to improve myself.

I’ve had people laugh at my goals and dreams and say that they’re stupid. I’ve been told I have nothing more than pipe dreams. Maybe those people that are saying those things are just simply embarrassed that they don’t have any. Maybe I remind them of what weakness is. Maybe I’m reminding them of what weakness is, & that reminds them of who they are.

People like to say they know how I am. If they did know me they would know several facts about me. No one has ever asked me about my desire, my discipline, my willingness to sacrifice, or my willingness to work past dead. No one has ever thought to ask me what is it I’m willing to do to make it. If they had they would have kept quiet.

On the Dallas Cowboys locker room wall, in Cowboys Stadium, there’s a sign that have to slap before going onto the field. The sign states “Be your best regardless of the circumstances.” This is true about integrity; no matter what circumstance you may be in that does not dictate who you are in morality and inside your heart.

MY ADVICE ABOUT BULLYING!
there’s an old African proverb that states if there is no enemy within the enemy outside can do is no harm. Sometimes enemies are on the outside. The enemies can be family members or friends who tell you can’t. They think they know what’s best for you, and that you’re crazy for chasing your dreams. They think it’s in your best interest to live a safe life, and they want you to be average. You have to let go of these enemies, and it’s very hard. You just always need to remember it’s much harder living a lot less than your own expectations.

If you constantly surround yourself with cynical and negative people you will eventually adopt their habits. These habits can kill you! You need to align yourself with powerful people. You need to associate with people that are within the world that you live. Align yourself with those that Empower, and courage, or you can grow from.

Just remember to always dream. Dream like me, always searching for greatness. Always strive to be on top in life because it’s the bottom that’s always crowded.
You’re the producer and star of your own life. You and only you will decide if it’s a smash or a flop.

It’s better to walk alone and be successful. It’s a lot better to walk alone and be successful, than those that wander aimlessly through life and get absolutely nowhere. I’m always telling myself I know I’m better than them. I know I’m greater. Without them it wouldn’t blessing to me. Because without them I wouldn’t keep on growing.

You’re not a doormat, so stop letting them wipe dirt all over your face. It’s not their job to believe in you, don’t let them look down on you. Stand Tall, walk strong, and hold your own. There’s no one above or below you.

Even the most famous people have haters. I’m going to leave you with a link below of Dana Bailey and how she responds to haters. In the video she shows clips of things that people have left for her on Facebook or about her on Facebook. Some of these things you’ll read will absolutely shocked you, but her response to it is absolutely amazing!

http://https://youtu.be/v_FbBNsVcGI

PERSONAL DIARY: Family Scare

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May 2, 2016

I hit the gym hard today.  Yesterday’s accomplishments were amazing so today was delts!  Half way into my Rob Bailey playlist I recieved a phone call from my hubby saying my daddy had been trying to reach me.  So I immediately call him, ceasing all training at that very moment.  I was told Mama requested my presence at home.  So I rushed over.

Once there I walk in and she looks horrible!  I take her spo2, hbpm, & BP constantly.  I took a dehydration skin test.  Instantly I knew she was dehydrated.  My dad & I tried to get her to sit up.  Her vertigo was so bad, the sitting up motion made her vomit.  The part that hit me hard as a daughter, was the fact I had to help hold her up to puke. I for the first time saw her as old, kind of  like I had done as a young girl with my own mother helping my grandmother.  It was a major shock to me to see her that way.

My dad was scared & in no position to make decisions because of his concern for my mom; so I decided to make the decision to get an ambulance.  My mom didn’t want 911 called because last time some woman who owns the Facebook group “The Clink” put it out in the group because she heard it on the scanner.  So my dad offered to drive down the street to the ambulance station.  I told him let me go and him stay with her.  As I’m exiting the front door I thought I could drive or run.  I decided it was quicker to run.  I run 5ks, so why not!  So I ran, I don’t know if it was adrenaline or what, but that was the fastest I’ve ever ran. 

The ambulance arrives, no lights or sirens. The EMTs could get the stretcher down the hallway, but could not get it into her bedroom. So they had to pick my mom up by her bed sheet and place her onto the gurney.  They wheel her out the front door and place her in the ambulance.

My dad in the meantime is frantically trying to get dressed and get her things together. He did not know what pants or shirt, makeup, and other female items to get her. So I got all the items together and pack them for him.

As my father and I start to walk out the front door I hear him say something that absolutely broke my heart. He exclaims one of these days we’re going to be taken away and one of us won’t be coming back. He then proceeded to tear up. I let him have his space , and we both parted ways and I went back home to get my husband and daughter while he went to the hospital. 

We went to the hospital & met my dad. As of now the cause is unknown, and I’ll continue to pray.

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MY OPINIONS: “Skinny Shaming”

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When I think of skinny or fat shaming I think of an old Britney Spears song “Piece of Me”.
The link to the video:

I have never been one to support any type of shaming.  I never liked being called fat and I sure as heck don’t like being called skinny. 

When I was in highschool I was a very high quality athlete.  I was always small.  At 10% body fat, I weighed 100 pounds & could grab rim on the high school basketball goal in the gym.  I was solid muscle and a very small girl, but you could call me mighty mouse. 

When I had my daughter I was 180 pounds after birth.  I struggled to even look at myself in the mirror.  I felt as if I looked like a fat cow.  My hubby never made me feel anything less than a MILF.  I got called fat, was bullied on MySpace (2006), & eventually moved to Texas because of the bullying. 

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The picture in the top left, I thought I had seriously lost weight, & finally comfortable with wearing a bikini outside.  I was slip and sliding with my child when I hear a neighbor yell I’m a fat whore.  My daughter heard it.  I was completely mortified & pissed.  So I kicked in gear the start of my hard journey ahead. 

The top right I was making progress.  Never had anyone bother me for my weight then or in the bottom left picture (The 2014 Bezerker Mud Run), but the bottom right picture to the present time has been filled with skinny shaming. 

I lost millions of friends when I lost weight, & what was once not acceptable “fat shaming” has turned into “Skinny shaming”.  I have had people say I’m on drugs, anorexic, & so on.  To work so hard to look the way I do, it hurt to be told I was on drugs.

Even the “fat” (I prefer unhealthy) family members love to skinny shame.  So when I think if the song I think “She’s to big now she’s to thin”.

Why is it OK to call small petite people skinny & us small people aren’t allowed to say fat?  It hurts both ways, no matter how you say it!  Do you know why the person is skinny? Maybe the person is struggling with stress, PTSD, depression, a medical issue, ect.  Just like I wouldn’t know why someone is over weight, you don’t know why a skinny person is the size they are.  In my case, me being fat was because I was lazy, pure honesty. 

I want people to think before speaking, because unless you know the person personally you don’t know the struggles they are under.  Like mama always says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

MEMOIR: THE UNIVERSE ANSWERED ME BACK

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This afternoon we had 2 waves of storms roll through.  Both storms had major lightening & beautiful rolling thunder.  The plains of the Missouri Mississippi River Delta creates thunder like I’ve heard nowhere else in my travels.  It seems to come and go and roll on and on in a rumble.  I love the kinds of storms with less severe weather, but lots of lightening. 

As the next wave of storms started to roll through.  I took the few minutes before it got bad to do yoga on my wooden front porch.  I let the wind blow into my face by positioning my body so it went directly into my body letting it embrace me and wisp my face.  I did a few easy poses.  I think I did tree, warrior, superhero, sun salutation, and so on.  It was amazing. 

I see lightening starting to flash while I’m in thanks, though my eyes are closed in meditation while standing.  As I say thank you, I got the most beautiful thunder boom.  It was as if the universe had said you’re welcome for the peace you just recieved. 

Honestly I was at peace.  I suffer from chronic anxiety.  Fitness helps instead of medicine for the anxiety, but meditation is where it’s at.  To me thunder is incredibly relaxing.  I want to sleep or meditate when I hear it.  This was a moment this evening I wanted to share with you all. 

Take a moment to soak in the small amazing things we often overlook. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Flashbacks Down Memory Lane”

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I opened my eyes around noon that Sunday morning.  While most people are busy getting ready for church, I was talking on the phone to my best friend disgussing when to leave in order to have my daughter back in time for bed.  I remember going out onto my front porch, looking at the sky, thinking of how beautiful it was.  The sky was crystal clear & blue, like our senior year when 9/11 happened! When most things are to perfect, they usually are. 

We leave at noon, which was entirely to late, but his son wanted my daughter to go too.  Feeling bad that he had to leave, I pushed back my motherly feelings & said ok.  Sometimes those instincts need to have more attention paid to them, I now think they are little moments in life our spirit guides try to give us a warning. 

The drive was beautiful.  As we drive through the town my best friend and myself had grown up in so many years ago, we spoke of all the fun we had.  We told my loving husband all our shinanigans as we passed each place, it was super nice reliving memories from 16 years past.   We head out across Crowley’s Ridge, & as we top the last hill you can see for miles.  More memories flooding our brains of happy memories.  It was as if we were watching our life flash before our eyes together. 

We head towards our destination, little did we know what devestation lay ahead for my family.

-I’M SORRY FOR THE SLOW POSTS.  EVERYTIME I WRITE IT’S HARD BECAUSE MY FIRST SERIES (THIS STORY) IS FRESH & CHOKES ME UP.  I NEED A BREAK OCCASSIONALLY FROM WRITING IT TO BREATHE-

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