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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Troopers, Doctors, & Craziness O My!”

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As I lay in the hospital bed staring at my mother letting the tears just roll down my cheek all I could wonder was why was my husband in jail? As any wife would, I went through my head just trying to find something that we had done that was so wrong. What had we done that was such a bad thing that resulted in him being in jail? Nothing came to mind because we have been living the right life. I still could not find my phone, but my mom did hand me my purse. Later on in this series you’ll find out the importance of me getting my purse in my hospital bed and where my phone was at.  I remember at some point while in and out of consciousness on opiates I was frantically searching for my phone and could not find it. 

I didn’t have much time with my mom alone before the Arkansas State Trooper walked in my hospital room.  No one likes to see a big brimmed hat of an Arkansas State Trooper walk in, but when it’s a female state trooper and you’re a female in the hospital bed you know you’re in deep doo-doo.  With my straight poker face on I was still racking my brain for what we had done that was illegal, and still nothing came up.  Cringing in pain the state troopers started asking me many many questions.

The first thing I get questioned about is the meth and needles found in the car. Now I want you to know something, my mother was in the room as I’m getting questioned and she’s a Christian woman.  The words I said in front of my Mama were very un-Christian like, but opiates kind of make you really blunt.  I told that state trooper that was false and I knew it was false! That there was no fucking way they found needles and meth in the car! I remember I just kept yelling fuck no I know there was nothing in there.  I even started demanding a urinalysis test right then and there! I looked directly at my mom and said give me that damn piss test! I know I’m clean!

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My mom knew I was serious because of my repeated use of the forbidden F WORD!  Never had I spoke like that in front of my mother. Not to mention, I could feel my right eyebrow raising which meant she knew I was beyond pissed.  All I can say is thank goodness I was in so much pain I couldn’t move because I was livid!

I then start getting questioned about other items in our car by the Arkansas State Trooper.  I keep telling this dumb broad that it wasn’t our car!  It was my friend’s vehicle which belonged to his mother.  The trooper explains to me that she found a marijuana pipe and an empty pill bottle in the back of the car.  I calmly explain back to this dumb trooper that the woman’s car we were driving had stage 4 brain cancer so it was probably her’s.  The only answer I can give this Trooper is I don’t know. 

Finally the trooper exited my room. Never have I been so insulted! I had just mourned the loss of my family, and she had no regard for my emotions and no sympathy.  I’m all jacked up on all kinds of opiates, and you’re asking me some crazy questions about a car crash that I was asleep in when it happened!  Is this how you treat all your victims was what I was thinking. 

So one would think things couldn’t possibly get worse right? Oh how wrong you are…

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DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Everyone Died”

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When I woke up in the hospital room I was in so much pain.  The pain made my
c-section & breast augmentation felt nothing in comparison to the searing pain running through my left shoulder.  I’m looking around.  I’m no dumbass, so I automatically see that I’m in a hospital bed. 

I’m running through my mind as to what the heck was going on.  Desperately racking every corner of my mind for a clue to what the freak was going on!  I’m not able to move because of the pain & tubes running everywhere.  I’m beginning to wonder about my family.  Where’s my baby? Where’s my boo? Where’s my mom & dad? 

A walks nurses to my room.  I’m desprately asking what the heck was going on.  I was told I was in a car crash.  They then handed me a mirror to see this…

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I realize the burning on my neck was the skin I was missing.  I’m still really curious as to why my shoulder hurts, where’s my daughter, & where’s my hubby? 

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I felt so alone.  All I was told was there was a car crash.  They never answered my questions about my family.  I mean, I don’t remember them being with me nor do I remember a crash, but I would have never not been with them or them not with me!  It was that very moment my heart sank.  I could feel my soul break in half.  I was the only survivor!  I had just lost my best friend & love, my dear husband.  I had lost my baby angel, my pride, my joy, my angelic daughter. 

I grieved for what seemed like forever.  I know not the time or how long that clock ticked, but I mourned long enough to think about what I was going to go through. 

My heart hurt, & I just wanted my mommy.  They had no clue to where I was.  I had lost my cell phone in the may lay.  I could only lay there a cry my eyes out while being screwed up beyond comprehension on opiates.  The one time opiates were my best friend.  Too bad all the morphine, percocets, & dalaudid never began to help the pain in my left shoulder! 

At some point I cried myself back to sleep. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Hall of Memories”

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I remember grabbing my beautiful daughters hand. After grabbing my daughter’s hand, I passed out into unconsciousness. What I’m about to tell you I saw I cannot tell you for sure if it was a dream or something of a higher power.

Somewhere between the ride the ambulance & being put in the ICU, I had a dream.  I’m not going to sit here and say I saw my body and I was above it. Nor did I ever have any visions of my loved ones around me or anything of that nature. 

I was in this very long corridor. The corridor was not creepy or uncomfortable. The corridor was filled with happiness, compassion, and unconditional love.  Some of the psychological community would say that it was my consciousness coming through in my dreams. Some of the faith-based world would say I had a near-death experience. I don’t know what I saw. All I know is I can explain what I saw.

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I was walking down this corridor and all around me were hologram like videos of happy moments in my life.  My wedding, the birth of my daughter, moments with my mother and my father, laughter between my loving husband and I, and all the silly moments between my daughter and I we’re playing all around me as I walk down this beautiful corridor.

The corridor begins to slowly fade into a mist.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and I keep just moving forward to it. I knew I needed to keep walking because I could slowly see someone coming in the distance.   As I walked towards this beautiful light I take in the beauty which is around me. The beauty I see is nothing in comparison to anything I’ve seen here on Earth. The feeling of being in this majestical place gave me such peace.  I see a face on the person coming to me in the distance.

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It’s my bub, Jason Wakeford!  I’m so excited! I waited so long just to see him & talk to him. Since his death, it has felt like half of me was ripped away.  I ran to him because all I want to do is give him the big bear hug I was always used to in the past.

He stops me and says come no further.  I am crying saying I just want my bub bear hug!  He tells me to come no further, for to hug him would mean for me to leave behind a life I was not through with yet.  He speaks of my daughter & my husband, whom was his best friend.  He told me they needed me.  I didn’t understand, but I knew he was always right so I did as I was told. 

I then came to in the hospital room.  Trust me when I say, “I came back to what?”  I awoke not remembering anything!  All I knew is my left shoulder was toast!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Awaken To My Worst Nightmare!”

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I never sleep in the car.  Whether it’s my control issues we all know I have or my fear of something happening while asleep, but I have never fallen asleep in the car with my husband driving in the 13 years we have been married!  This is the one time I fell asleep, but it was late! 

I had not been asleep long when the inevitable happened.  My husband had crashed the car, but I will not find out till later as to what happened. 

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Since I was asleep I have no clue to what happened.  During the crash, I for the first time ever, got knocked out.  I want you to note here I have taken some blows to my head, but never once knocked out! 

I was not told this till later, but when my husband pulled all of us out of the car he layed me beside my best friend.  My best friend said that he was sure I was dead because my eyes were as big as quarters and not blinking. 

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I remember coming to on the side of the road.  My first initial thought was where is my daughter.  My best friend was to my right moaning in agony from broke ribs, a punctured lung, & broke back.  To my left was my daughter & she could talk to me so I knew she was at least semi-ok. 

The only humor here is: during the EMTs cutting off my clothes I was so out of it & could barely hear, that I fought them.  I wasn’t about to let them cut off my Victoria’s Secret bra I had gotten a week before!  I paid $80 for that brand new bra!  My $300 Guess Jeans!  Hell no! Then I’m back out in blackness.  I awoke to being naked on the side of highway 62 in Arkansas.  Loading into the ambulance I looked for my daughter & beside me she was, so I grabbed her hand.  Her hand so soft & angelic!  Comfort!  My baby! 

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I was aware of all that was happening or so I thought.  I fell asleep in the ambulance. 

MY OPINIONS: How I Deal With Haters

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The internet these days makes cyberbullying entirely too easy. Not only do young pre-teens do it, but I’ve seen grown adults act much worse than young children. Anyone with any sort of attention will always have a hater. Someone will hate on you for what you’re wearing. Someone will tell you are too fat, and in the same breath also tell someone they’re too skinny. In today’s society perfection is what everyone is after after, and much too often perfection is unrealistic.

I’ve had my fair share of cyber cyberbullying. I’ve had people simply want to be my friend on Facebook to troll and see what’s going on in my life. In my opinion, if they’re checking up on you so much at least that means you’re relevant.

I’ve had friends say I’ve changed maybe they’re unhappy they didn’t change. Maybe the haters are just simply disappointed in themselves because they stayed the same. I did change, just like anyone with ambition would. Anyone with ambition would never want to stay the same! I’ve changed everything about me. I have no desire to conform to anyone else’s wishes, & absolutely no desire to fit in. But I do have every desire within myself to improve myself.

I’ve had people laugh at my goals and dreams and say that they’re stupid. I’ve been told I have nothing more than pipe dreams. Maybe those people that are saying those things are just simply embarrassed that they don’t have any. Maybe I remind them of what weakness is. Maybe I’m reminding them of what weakness is, & that reminds them of who they are.

People like to say they know how I am. If they did know me they would know several facts about me. No one has ever asked me about my desire, my discipline, my willingness to sacrifice, or my willingness to work past dead. No one has ever thought to ask me what is it I’m willing to do to make it. If they had they would have kept quiet.

On the Dallas Cowboys locker room wall, in Cowboys Stadium, there’s a sign that have to slap before going onto the field. The sign states “Be your best regardless of the circumstances.” This is true about integrity; no matter what circumstance you may be in that does not dictate who you are in morality and inside your heart.

MY ADVICE ABOUT BULLYING!
there’s an old African proverb that states if there is no enemy within the enemy outside can do is no harm. Sometimes enemies are on the outside. The enemies can be family members or friends who tell you can’t. They think they know what’s best for you, and that you’re crazy for chasing your dreams. They think it’s in your best interest to live a safe life, and they want you to be average. You have to let go of these enemies, and it’s very hard. You just always need to remember it’s much harder living a lot less than your own expectations.

If you constantly surround yourself with cynical and negative people you will eventually adopt their habits. These habits can kill you! You need to align yourself with powerful people. You need to associate with people that are within the world that you live. Align yourself with those that Empower, and courage, or you can grow from.

Just remember to always dream. Dream like me, always searching for greatness. Always strive to be on top in life because it’s the bottom that’s always crowded.
You’re the producer and star of your own life. You and only you will decide if it’s a smash or a flop.

It’s better to walk alone and be successful. It’s a lot better to walk alone and be successful, than those that wander aimlessly through life and get absolutely nowhere. I’m always telling myself I know I’m better than them. I know I’m greater. Without them it wouldn’t blessing to me. Because without them I wouldn’t keep on growing.

You’re not a doormat, so stop letting them wipe dirt all over your face. It’s not their job to believe in you, don’t let them look down on you. Stand Tall, walk strong, and hold your own. There’s no one above or below you.

Even the most famous people have haters. I’m going to leave you with a link below of Dana Bailey and how she responds to haters. In the video she shows clips of things that people have left for her on Facebook or about her on Facebook. Some of these things you’ll read will absolutely shocked you, but her response to it is absolutely amazing!

http://https://youtu.be/v_FbBNsVcGI

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “O Deer”

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The drive through the Ozarks of Arkansas was so beautiful.  I never cease to be amazed at God’s beauty around me when I get the opportunity to travel to the Ozarks of either Missouri or Arkansas. 

We sang songs, played eye spy, the car tag spotting game,  & of course took more strolls down memory lane. My friend drove us to Harrison, Arkansas.  My hubby, daughter, myself & his kid were mere passengers of our amazing adventure.  We all spoke about the absolute beautiful scenery.  My best friend told us about all the cool spots over that way.  Of course my hubby & I were paying close attention. We love camping as a family.  Camping is the 1 time my family of three gets to spent great quality time together. 

We get to Harrison, Arkansas and dropped off his son.  By this time it was dark outside & visability was very poor.    We are from the plains of Missouri & referred to as flatlanders for a reason.  Not thinking anything about wildlife we head towards home.  I remember crossing the North Fork Lake bridge looking at the moon on the water.  Thinking of my husband & myself on the deck of the ship looking out over the Atlantic Ocean watching the full moon glistening off the water like diamonds.  Memories are put in your mind for a reason, yet many times we don’t cherish our memories enough.

We get to Mountain Home, Arkansas & my good friend hit a deer.  It was bound to happen, we killed Bambi!  The buck was pretty & had  six points on it.   The Fish & Wildlife Commission came out with the Sheriff’s Office & dispatched the deer.  The deer didn’t damage the car to bad.  It only knocked out 1 headlight. 

After the wreck of hitting the deer the sheriff’s office did a identification check on all of us.  After finding out my friend’s driver’s license was suspended they asked my husband to drive.  If I had known his drivers license wasn’t valid I would have never went, thus my family wouldn’t have went. 

If I had just known….. a common theme from here on out.  Coulda woulda shoulda, but I didn’t. 

MY OPINIONS: “Skinny Shaming”

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When I think of skinny or fat shaming I think of an old Britney Spears song “Piece of Me”.
The link to the video:

I have never been one to support any type of shaming.  I never liked being called fat and I sure as heck don’t like being called skinny. 

When I was in highschool I was a very high quality athlete.  I was always small.  At 10% body fat, I weighed 100 pounds & could grab rim on the high school basketball goal in the gym.  I was solid muscle and a very small girl, but you could call me mighty mouse. 

When I had my daughter I was 180 pounds after birth.  I struggled to even look at myself in the mirror.  I felt as if I looked like a fat cow.  My hubby never made me feel anything less than a MILF.  I got called fat, was bullied on MySpace (2006), & eventually moved to Texas because of the bullying. 

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The picture in the top left, I thought I had seriously lost weight, & finally comfortable with wearing a bikini outside.  I was slip and sliding with my child when I hear a neighbor yell I’m a fat whore.  My daughter heard it.  I was completely mortified & pissed.  So I kicked in gear the start of my hard journey ahead. 

The top right I was making progress.  Never had anyone bother me for my weight then or in the bottom left picture (The 2014 Bezerker Mud Run), but the bottom right picture to the present time has been filled with skinny shaming. 

I lost millions of friends when I lost weight, & what was once not acceptable “fat shaming” has turned into “Skinny shaming”.  I have had people say I’m on drugs, anorexic, & so on.  To work so hard to look the way I do, it hurt to be told I was on drugs.

Even the “fat” (I prefer unhealthy) family members love to skinny shame.  So when I think if the song I think “She’s to big now she’s to thin”.

Why is it OK to call small petite people skinny & us small people aren’t allowed to say fat?  It hurts both ways, no matter how you say it!  Do you know why the person is skinny? Maybe the person is struggling with stress, PTSD, depression, a medical issue, ect.  Just like I wouldn’t know why someone is over weight, you don’t know why a skinny person is the size they are.  In my case, me being fat was because I was lazy, pure honesty. 

I want people to think before speaking, because unless you know the person personally you don’t know the struggles they are under.  Like mama always says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

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