PERSONAL DIARY: “Changes Yet Again”

As you can see I am pretty lean right now because this picture was taken today.  I was prepared for the Miss Street Machine Nationals in Duquoin, Illinois. That was going to be tomorrow at 2:30 p.m., but plans have changed yet again. You know I love it when plans change! 

I had registered with the Miss Street Machine Nationals. Then one thing after another seemed to fall apart. The air goes out on both of my vehicles. My friend volunteers to drive his Dodge extended-cab pickup truck with air. Then his air goes out on his pickup also. I was going to have have a spray tan, so the thought of driving four and a half hours into Illinois  seemed ridiculous. My tan would have melted off by the time I got there. 

I guess the thing that made me decide to change my mind was when I watched the weather last night. My worst fear was my tan melting off, but then I find out it’s going to rain up there at the time of the competition.  At that point I realized it was pointless to even go. So I decided not to go.

It would have been fun to go and see 3,000 hot rods. It would have been great practice for posing for NPC. It just didn’t seem worth it for my point of view. I also got the opinion of my good friend Brittany Lynn from Las Vegas, Nevada. She agreed it was pointless to go.

So I did a mini prep for nothing, but then again a good practice for discipline and willpower.  I slimmed up a bit in the process, & so I’m pretty well good to go on bikini season at the pool! 

I’m not bummed, everything happens for a reason, and this just wasn’t meant to be.

PERSONAL DIARY: “Last Minute Changes”

Everyone knows how life can be.  Life is so effing stressful it can make you want to rip your hair out.  Besides the normal small town immature drama, I have had a competition drop in my lap at the last minute. 

The competition will be at the Street Machine Nationals in DuQuoin, Illinois this Sunday at 2 pm.  $250 for first with crown, sash, & trophy.  $150 for second with a trophy.  $100 for 3rd & a trophy.  National magazine coverage at this event, & I have viewed the website linked above in blue, & the event looks badass!  If anything it will be fun! 

I blurred last year’s winners faces seeing as I don’t have their permission to post this.  Everyone knows I’ve been on a cycle of gaining.  I feel in no way prepared!  I have decided to cut carbs till Sunday night, & that makes me grumpy!  I’m sure my husband & daughter would love to elaborate on this issue.  So we won’t ask….
I’ve suddenly been thrusted into a bikini competition I was in no way prepared for.  We know how bad I am with OCD and my perfectionism, & it can be both a flaw as well as a strength.  Now I’m stressing.  I’m working on posing, and I realize it isn’t a NPC event.  I figure it’s practice for me. 

I find myself faced with anxiety with a moral decision I’ve made about this contest.  I will NOT shake my rump or sexually promote anything.  I will be posing and keeping myself classy.  In Texas I did participate with friends of mine at several local nonregulated bikini contests that also paid cash.  They did a dance section.  I’m not hating on anyone who does this kind of contest, but I do have a 9 year old daughter looking up to me as an athlete not a sexual object.  I will not show her sexual moves are ok just to win.  A true athlete, who has fans of a young age, needs to have a certain line they will not cross.  I’m treating this as I would a NPC regulated bikini class competition event.  Pictured below in a Texas contest, wear you shook your ass…..

It is a scored event, so this eases the anxiety.  I still though, in the back of my mind think there’s going to be that one girl who tries to be sexy.  Then the judges buy that crap, & she will win.  Bummer right?!  In the end, if I lose at least I know I did it with class, poise, beauty, & a bangin body!

Look at the above pic, I had to Google pretzel suits….. lame I know! LOL

I will be leaning out, hydrating & then dehydrating, fasting, cardio, & small weight training 3 times a day all week till saturday.  Saturday I get my airbrush tan at Sunsplash Tanning located in Kennett, Missouri. 

Until then I’ll keep you posted!  Thank you for your continued support!

MY OPINIONS: Why Do We Fail?

How easy is it for us to blame everyone and everything that’s wrong in our own lives?  We look around ourselves and we find that we are unhappy with the life that only we chose to create.  Then there are those that look down on you for being successful and happy and they are the ones that are unhappy with their own lives.  There is such a thing as being a great and positive person with the best of intentions towards everyone and everything, and then stuff gets rough and you can’t seem to catch a break.  Who doesn’t this happen to? I know what happens to me on a daily basis.  One minute things are great and you’re in heaven, and then the next minute it seems like your life is hell.

If you look for pain, dysfunction, drama, being broke, and struggling that means you have looked for every excuse in the book to why you’re not successful.  It’s not your childhood or the environment you grew up in because I know some of the most successful in America, & those people are people that have grown up in the worst shitholes of America.  Don’t be that lazy bum person that’s full of excuses as to why you’re not winning. You are the only reason you’re not winning in life.  This blog isn’t to tear you down, but rather open your eyes.

You can do the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results, but five years later you will still be where you are today.  The other option to that horrible situation is that you look up at the mountain in front of you. You can start today to climb that mountain and eventually reach its peak. Maybe not now, but definitely!

I know it’s not easy. Nothing good ever came easy. I’ve been told that my dreams are pipe dreams and that I cannot achieve my dreams. I’ve been told there’s no possible way to achieve my goals and that the things in life that I want I will never be able to do or have.  Why? Because your dream died? Mine shouldn’t live? Oh! But my dream will live!  I’m going to fight back for what I believe in, what I want to achieve, my own dreams, and my goals. I’m not just fighting for myself! I’m fighting for my friends, my family, and I will make certain I will fight back!

See, the crazy thing about greatness and being a champion, is that no one expected anyone to make it. In that same breath I go out, and I do it anyway just to prove them wrong.  Greatness isn’t about having money. Greatness is about the achievements, about doing something great for others, doing stuff when others doubt it, it’s about listening to the doubters, and making those doubters eat their words.  Today and each and every day hereafter is the day I will walk all over my enemies. I will reach that moment in my life when I become that person that others can look to and say she went through it and I can do it too.  As humans we feed off one another. As humans we tend to look up to someone that’s great like they’re special, but they’re just like everyone else. Everyone is imperfect.  Even I have people that I look up too, so that means each and everyone of you are exactly like me.

Each day I’m tested by life in a like manner. If I persist and I continue to try to move forward I will succeed!  I’m not a sheep needing prodded by my shepherd. I’m alone, and I don’t live or lie down with the sheep. 

I will not hear those who weep or complain. For those who weep and complain are a disease, and that disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep with the rest of the flock. This is not a house of failure, and I will persist until I succeed! Never will I consider defeat even though I know it will happen.  When defeat finds me it will not define me, and it will make me stronger.  The words I can’t or impossible are simply words of fools. Those foolish words will simply be ripped from my vocabulary forever.

I will toil forever and always keeping mine eyes on the gold and the prize at the end of the road.  I know from where the driest desert ends, the new world will arise for myself. I will try again and again defeating each obstacle. I’ll consider every obstacle and derailment a mere detour and challenge to my own profession.

Don’t let the biggest enemy be the enemy within your own mind. I know for myself my own mind is my worst enemy. Whether it’s working out, cleaning the house, or just doing something stupid I have to be the hardest person on myself. I really don’t even give my husband the opportunity to get all over me for anything because I’m so hard on myself.  I’ve slowly come to realize that I am my own enemy half of the time. The other half comes from the BS you put with from everyone else.

As I have said at the end of some of my other post… in the Cowboys locker room it says be your best regardless of the circumstances!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Troopers, Doctors, & Craziness O My!”

As I lay in the hospital bed staring at my mother letting the tears just roll down my cheek all I could wonder was why was my husband in jail? As any wife would, I went through my head just trying to find something that we had done that was so wrong. What had we done that was such a bad thing that resulted in him being in jail? Nothing came to mind because we have been living the right life. I still could not find my phone, but my mom did hand me my purse. Later on in this series you’ll find out the importance of me getting my purse in my hospital bed and where my phone was at.  I remember at some point while in and out of consciousness on opiates I was frantically searching for my phone and could not find it. 

I didn’t have much time with my mom alone before the Arkansas State Trooper walked in my hospital room.  No one likes to see a big brimmed hat of an Arkansas State Trooper walk in, but when it’s a female state trooper and you’re a female in the hospital bed you know you’re in deep doo-doo.  With my straight poker face on I was still racking my brain for what we had done that was illegal, and still nothing came up.  Cringing in pain the state troopers started asking me many many questions.

The first thing I get questioned about is the meth and needles found in the car. Now I want you to know something, my mother was in the room as I’m getting questioned and she’s a Christian woman.  The words I said in front of my Mama were very un-Christian like, but opiates kind of make you really blunt.  I told that state trooper that was false and I knew it was false! That there was no fucking way they found needles and meth in the car! I remember I just kept yelling fuck no I know there was nothing in there.  I even started demanding a urinalysis test right then and there! I looked directly at my mom and said give me that damn piss test! I know I’m clean!

My mom knew I was serious because of my repeated use of the forbidden F WORD!  Never had I spoke like that in front of my mother. Not to mention, I could feel my right eyebrow raising which meant she knew I was beyond pissed.  All I can say is thank goodness I was in so much pain I couldn’t move because I was livid!

I then start getting questioned about other items in our car by the Arkansas State Trooper.  I keep telling this dumb broad that it wasn’t our car!  It was my friend’s vehicle which belonged to his mother.  The trooper explains to me that she found a marijuana pipe and an empty pill bottle in the back of the car.  I calmly explain back to this dumb trooper that the woman’s car we were driving had stage 4 brain cancer so it was probably her’s.  The only answer I can give this Trooper is I don’t know. 

Finally the trooper exited my room. Never have I been so insulted! I had just mourned the loss of my family, and she had no regard for my emotions and no sympathy.  I’m all jacked up on all kinds of opiates, and you’re asking me some crazy questions about a car crash that I was asleep in when it happened!  Is this how you treat all your victims was what I was thinking. 

So one would think things couldn’t possibly get worse right? Oh how wrong you are…

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “I Awaken From My Bad Dream”

I cried myself to sleep that night. All I wanted was my mother.  When I woke up that morning I thought it was all a bad dream. You know the kind you have when you wake up in a sweat in your own bed, but you’re at home and it was nothing more than a bad dream. 

When I opened my eyes I saw the sweetest thing in the world. It was what I have been wanting, it was my mama.  I started to cry, but it hurt too bad to cry in my chest and my shoulder. All I could do was lay there & simply look at my mom and just let the tears roll down my cheeks.  I still had no clue if my family was dead or alive. All I know is there was a car wreck and it wasn’t a nightmare. The comfort of having your mother there is the sweetest feeling in the world. I know I’m a hard-ass, but even a hard-ass needs their mother.

My mother then uttered the best words I’ve ever heard in my life! I wasn’t the only Survivor! My husband and my daughter are both alive!

My mom explained that my daughter was two floors below me in the children’s unit and was perfectly fine. Oh! My heart was so relieved. My angel, my sweet perfect angel, was alive and I wasn’t the only survivor. I don’t know if I could have lived without my daughter! Half of the weight was lifted off my shoulders at that point. The question remained, what about my husband?

My mom then tells me that my husband is sitting in the Baxter County Jail in Arkansas. I know most people would be upset knowing their husband was in jail, but the relief knowing he was just still alive was enough. I was actually happy he was in jail. Now the question remained, what the heck is going on? Why is he in jail? What the hell happened while I was asleep? I I fell asleep in a car, woke up in the hospital, and now my husband’s in jail? 

Could this possibly get any worse? The answer is yes!

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Everyone Died”

When I woke up in the hospital room I was in so much pain.  The pain made my
c-section & breast augmentation felt nothing in comparison to the searing pain running through my left shoulder.  I’m looking around.  I’m no dumbass, so I automatically see that I’m in a hospital bed. 

I’m running through my mind as to what the heck was going on.  Desperately racking every corner of my mind for a clue to what the freak was going on!  I’m not able to move because of the pain & tubes running everywhere.  I’m beginning to wonder about my family.  Where’s my baby? Where’s my boo? Where’s my mom & dad? 

A walks nurses to my room.  I’m desprately asking what the heck was going on.  I was told I was in a car crash.  They then handed me a mirror to see this…

I realize the burning on my neck was the skin I was missing.  I’m still really curious as to why my shoulder hurts, where’s my daughter, & where’s my hubby? 

I felt so alone.  All I was told was there was a car crash.  They never answered my questions about my family.  I mean, I don’t remember them being with me nor do I remember a crash, but I would have never not been with them or them not with me!  It was that very moment my heart sank.  I could feel my soul break in half.  I was the only survivor!  I had just lost my best friend & love, my dear husband.  I had lost my baby angel, my pride, my joy, my angelic daughter. 

I grieved for what seemed like forever.  I know not the time or how long that clock ticked, but I mourned long enough to think about what I was going to go through. 

My heart hurt, & I just wanted my mommy.  They had no clue to where I was.  I had lost my cell phone in the may lay.  I could only lay there a cry my eyes out while being screwed up beyond comprehension on opiates.  The one time opiates were my best friend.  Too bad all the morphine, percocets, & dalaudid never began to help the pain in my left shoulder! 

At some point I cried myself back to sleep. 

DERAILMENT TO GOALS: Car Crash “Awaken To My Worst Nightmare!”

I never sleep in the car.  Whether it’s my control issues we all know I have or my fear of something happening while asleep, but I have never fallen asleep in the car with my husband driving in the 13 years we have been married!  This is the one time I fell asleep, but it was late! 

I had not been asleep long when the inevitable happened.  My husband had crashed the car, but I will not find out till later as to what happened. 

Since I was asleep I have no clue to what happened.  During the crash, I for the first time ever, got knocked out.  I want you to note here I have taken some blows to my head, but never once knocked out! 

I was not told this till later, but when my husband pulled all of us out of the car he layed me beside my best friend.  My best friend said that he was sure I was dead because my eyes were as big as quarters and not blinking. 

I remember coming to on the side of the road.  My first initial thought was where is my daughter.  My best friend was to my right moaning in agony from broke ribs, a punctured lung, & broke back.  To my left was my daughter & she could talk to me so I knew she was at least semi-ok. 

The only humor here is: during the EMTs cutting off my clothes I was so out of it & could barely hear, that I fought them.  I wasn’t about to let them cut off my Victoria’s Secret bra I had gotten a week before!  I paid $80 for that brand new bra!  My $300 Guess Jeans!  Hell no! Then I’m back out in blackness.  I awoke to being naked on the side of highway 62 in Arkansas.  Loading into the ambulance I looked for my daughter & beside me she was, so I grabbed her hand.  Her hand so soft & angelic!  Comfort!  My baby! 

I was aware of all that was happening or so I thought.  I fell asleep in the ambulance. 

PERSONAL DIARY: What I Do On Rest Day

May 28, 2016

Start by updating on my mama. She’s still having dizzy spells. Cause unknown.  Ask for continued thoughts please?

I have not posted a personal diary post  lately.  Figured on rest day what a better day to do so!  I only took a rest day due to extreme muscle spasms in my right lat. 

As you all know me taking a rest day is hard.  I did foam rolling twice today, & when I’m done posting I’m going for the final roll! 

Tonight’s post is simply an update on my progress & a thank you to a new sponsor. 

Thank you to Inception Labs for believing in me.  They are not supplements, but they are a great company & I’m proud & honored to be a part of their team.

These are my 4 week progress photos, after my first pic being from the very beginning!

That’s all for this diary post.  Thank you for the continued support of fans & fit fam!  Hoping to compete again first of next year if not this fall.

I just need the cash flow to get the suit & extra expenses.  Wish the workout Gods would drop someone at my doorstep like they did Inception!  God works in mysterious ways!

HOLD strong!  Battle Tested

MY OPINIONS: How I Deal With Haters

The internet these days makes cyberbullying entirely too easy. Not only do young pre-teens do it, but I’ve seen grown adults act much worse than young children. Anyone with any sort of attention will always have a hater. Someone will hate on you for what you’re wearing. Someone will tell you are too fat, and in the same breath also tell someone they’re too skinny. In today’s society perfection is what everyone is after after, and much too often perfection is unrealistic.

I’ve had my fair share of cyber cyberbullying. I’ve had people simply want to be my friend on Facebook to troll and see what’s going on in my life. In my opinion, if they’re checking up on you so much at least that means you’re relevant.

I’ve had friends say I’ve changed maybe they’re unhappy they didn’t change. Maybe the haters are just simply disappointed in themselves because they stayed the same. I did change, just like anyone with ambition would. Anyone with ambition would never want to stay the same! I’ve changed everything about me. I have no desire to conform to anyone else’s wishes, & absolutely no desire to fit in. But I do have every desire within myself to improve myself.

I’ve had people laugh at my goals and dreams and say that they’re stupid. I’ve been told I have nothing more than pipe dreams. Maybe those people that are saying those things are just simply embarrassed that they don’t have any. Maybe I remind them of what weakness is. Maybe I’m reminding them of what weakness is, & that reminds them of who they are.

People like to say they know how I am. If they did know me they would know several facts about me. No one has ever asked me about my desire, my discipline, my willingness to sacrifice, or my willingness to work past dead. No one has ever thought to ask me what is it I’m willing to do to make it. If they had they would have kept quiet.

On the Dallas Cowboys locker room wall, in Cowboys Stadium, there’s a sign that have to slap before going onto the field. The sign states “Be your best regardless of the circumstances.” This is true about integrity; no matter what circumstance you may be in that does not dictate who you are in morality and inside your heart.

MY ADVICE ABOUT BULLYING!
there’s an old African proverb that states if there is no enemy within the enemy outside can do is no harm. Sometimes enemies are on the outside. The enemies can be family members or friends who tell you can’t. They think they know what’s best for you, and that you’re crazy for chasing your dreams. They think it’s in your best interest to live a safe life, and they want you to be average. You have to let go of these enemies, and it’s very hard. You just always need to remember it’s much harder living a lot less than your own expectations.

If you constantly surround yourself with cynical and negative people you will eventually adopt their habits. These habits can kill you! You need to align yourself with powerful people. You need to associate with people that are within the world that you live. Align yourself with those that Empower, and courage, or you can grow from.

Just remember to always dream. Dream like me, always searching for greatness. Always strive to be on top in life because it’s the bottom that’s always crowded.
You’re the producer and star of your own life. You and only you will decide if it’s a smash or a flop.

It’s better to walk alone and be successful. It’s a lot better to walk alone and be successful, than those that wander aimlessly through life and get absolutely nowhere. I’m always telling myself I know I’m better than them. I know I’m greater. Without them it wouldn’t blessing to me. Because without them I wouldn’t keep on growing.

You’re not a doormat, so stop letting them wipe dirt all over your face. It’s not their job to believe in you, don’t let them look down on you. Stand Tall, walk strong, and hold your own. There’s no one above or below you.

Even the most famous people have haters. I’m going to leave you with a link below of Dana Bailey and how she responds to haters. In the video she shows clips of things that people have left for her on Facebook or about her on Facebook. Some of these things you’ll read will absolutely shocked you, but her response to it is absolutely amazing!

http://https://youtu.be/v_FbBNsVcGI